I'm trying to wrap my head around the term "re-adjustment", the process I'm supposedly going through by being present in the United States of America. Getting used to living in the States is an adjustment, but is it a re-adjustment? I never really had to get "adjusted" to living here the first time around, unless you call the birth process an adjustment, which I guess it is, considering it's moving from one distinct environment to another.

Coming back, I was prepared for the worst, hearing lots of horror stories about how much worse it is to come back to the States after being away for 2+ years, but so far it hasn't been terrible (besides the initial shock at having to come back, unplanned). Perhaps I'm not stressing out because there's little pressure to actually establish a life here, since I may be going back to Panama for a few more months. My life is on hold, and I don't really have to move forward. However, after a month of vacation, and another month "resting", I want move on, which brings me to the brink of the scary re-adjustment thing.

As I ponder my state of affairs, I find myself reflecting on a question that was part of my motivation for joining the Peace Corps in the first place: What kind of lifestyle do I want for myself? Everyone deals with this question, but most people define their lifestyle by making day-to-day choices, and the lifestyle forms over time until suddenly, "BAM!" you find yourself married with babies in suburbia. Which is great, if that's what you want.

I have to admit, it's great having the chance to start from scratch, the whole world ahead of me, with the freedom and ability to shape my lifestlye according to my values and make choices accordingly. I think if I had lived a 100+ years ago, I would have been a pioneer, excited by the chance to explore the unknown, wander the flat plains, point to a mountain in the distance and declare, "vamos por alla!" Well, maybe I wouldn't have been speaking Spanish, but that's the scene that popped into my head.

I've always been curious about how other people live, especially people with less, because although I love the hot showers and instant gratification that American consumerism supplies, I've always felt weighed down by the responsibility of possessions, and I figure if people can survive with much, much less, then why can't I? So know that I've tried the experiment, somewhat successfully, abroad, am I ready to pursue an "alternative" lifestyle here in the States, or am I going to take off to some foreign land again? Both options are romantically alluring, but the realities of each can be difficult. Am I destined for suburbia?

Well, I am temporarily living in suburbia now, and going slightly insane. I do have to admit I like the concept of this condo-apt place called "City Walk". The idea is to have shops downstairs you can walk to so as not to have to drive everywhere. Great idea. The reality is the shops downstairs are mostlly specialty stores (i.e. a bridal shop and kid's toy boutique). At least there is a coffee shop, which helps maintain a shred of my sanity. I would consider opening an organic co-op nearby, except the rest of the town is stripmall-landia, everyone has to work full time to afford the apartments in the first place and no one actually walks around City Walk. I may have seen someone drive from the parking garage to the restaurant across the street.

Back to my ideal lifestlye, I suppose it is a dream engendered of unemployed singlehood to imagine that I can just find the ideal place and make it work out. I just hope once I land somewhere again, there will be choices available for me to form the my life around the place, like public transportation, a nice little grocery store with good organic food, a library and coffee shop. These are my locale priorities, some of which I've had to live without for years...and I've survived...and even adjusted!