I'm trying to wrap my head around the term "re-adjustment", the process I'm supposedly going through by being present in the United States of America. Getting used to living in the States is an adjustment, but is it a re-adjustment? I never really had to get "adjusted" to living here the first time around, unless you call the birth process an adjustment, which I guess it is, considering it's moving from one distinct environment to another.
Coming back, I was prepared for the worst, hearing lots of horror stories about how much worse it is to come back to the States after being away for 2+ years, but so far it hasn't been terrible (besides the initial shock at having to come back, unplanned). Perhaps I'm not stressing out because there's little pressure to actually establish a life here, since I may be going back to Panama for a few more months. My life is on hold, and I don't really have to move forward. However, after a month of vacation, and another month "resting", I want move on, which brings me to the brink of the scary re-adjustment thing.
As I ponder my state of affairs, I find myself reflecting on a question that was part of my motivation for joining the Peace Corps in the first place: What kind of lifestyle do I want for myself? Everyone deals with this question, but most people define their lifestyle by making day-to-day choices, and the lifestyle forms over time until suddenly, "BAM!" you find yourself married with babies in suburbia. Which is great, if that's what you want.
I have to admit, it's great having the chance to start from scratch, the whole world ahead of me, with the freedom and ability to shape my lifestlye according to my values and make choices accordingly. I think if I had lived a 100+ years ago, I would have been a pioneer, excited by the chance to explore the unknown, wander the flat plains, point to a mountain in the distance and declare, "vamos por alla!" Well, maybe I wouldn't have been speaking Spanish, but that's the scene that popped into my head.
I've always been curious about how other people live, especially people with less, because although I love the hot showers and instant gratification that American consumerism supplies, I've always felt weighed down by the responsibility of possessions, and I figure if people can survive with much, much less, then why can't I? So know that I've tried the experiment, somewhat successfully, abroad, am I ready to pursue an "alternative" lifestyle here in the States, or am I going to take off to some foreign land again? Both options are romantically alluring, but the realities of each can be difficult. Am I destined for suburbia?
Well, I am temporarily living in suburbia now, and going slightly insane. I do have to admit I like the concept of this condo-apt place called "City Walk". The idea is to have shops downstairs you can walk to so as not to have to drive everywhere. Great idea. The reality is the shops downstairs are mostlly specialty stores (i.e. a bridal shop and kid's toy boutique). At least there is a coffee shop, which helps maintain a shred of my sanity. I would consider opening an organic co-op nearby, except the rest of the town is stripmall-landia, everyone has to work full time to afford the apartments in the first place and no one actually walks around City Walk. I may have seen someone drive from the parking garage to the restaurant across the street.
Back to my ideal lifestlye, I suppose it is a dream engendered of unemployed singlehood to imagine that I can just find the ideal place and make it work out. I just hope once I land somewhere again, there will be choices available for me to form the my life around the place, like public transportation, a nice little grocery store with good organic food, a library and coffee shop. These are my locale priorities, some of which I've had to live without for years...and I've survived...and even adjusted!
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Positively Itching
I think writing my silly resolutions down may have invited the demons. So far, 2009 has tested my ability to remain positive. I have always been an optimist in the sense that I hope for the best, and generally tend to think that things will work out. Others may see this as an unrealistic lack of foresight, but "optimist" is so much more positive.
For example, in the following scenario, I was fairly convinced, until the last minute, that things would work out (aka I'd get to stay in Panama):
Less than an hour after a hip MRI on January 16th, my doctor called me. I was actually driving home from the appointment when he called. Impressive. Turns out I have a 11 mm stress fracture in the neck of my femur. It's probably been there since the marathon I ran last August (or before, who knows), but really doesn't hurt much at all any more...really. Doctor's orders were: calcium supplements and rest. Basically, "Cuidate!" (He does speak Spanish, but didn't say that, exactly).
So I think, "Cool, I haven't been imagining the pain, and now I can deal." My experience with Panamanian doctors often leaves me feeling literally crazy. A couple years ago I had similar hip pain, and the orthopedist in Panama prescribed me antidepressants. Hip pain = depression?? Back to being positive...
So, dealing the way I know to deal, I flew back to Panama January 19th, arrived in the office the next morning, found out I wasn't medically cleared (the doctor wasn't so positive when he talked to the medical staff) and after busing it across the country to spend a harried day or so in my house, arranging pieces that someone would have to pick up (Thanks Lydia, Allie and Robby), I grabbed the 7-hour night bus back to Panama City, filled out some papers, and was back in my parent's house by January 28th. And breathe...
Even though I'm not sure when I'll be able to go back to Panama, here are the positives:
1. Even though the last trip to Panama was brief, I got to hang out with my good friend Adam on his way back from his South American adventure, and arrange things to prepare for my absence. Technically, I shouldn't have gone back, but this I had subconsciously blocked from my awareness.
2. I added the trip to my Delta SkyMiles account, even though I didn't have to pay for it (it's legal!).
3. Being at home, I have more time to catch up with friends and family. There are some activities that are so refreshingly, wonderfully normal:
-I watched the Superbowl, ate buffalo wings (Thanks, Marina and Herberth!), and actually cared about the game enough to jump up and down screaming a couple of times, even though the Cardinals lost...good game!
-I went to the Zoo with Michelle and saw penguins (and other things...)! The orangutan baby kissed the glass.
-I've cooked, in an OVEN! with ORGANIC INGREDIENTS!
-The bookstores and coffee shops of America are now feeling less economically starved since I've returned from Panama.
-I get to spend a week with Roxy in Utah!
After the next MRI on Feb 20th I'll know more about a possible return to work in Panama. Right now, I'm getting a taste of unemployment, so I can better relate to the rest of America. Even so, knowing that I may have extended free time in my near future makes me restless. Grad school is pretty much set for the fall, I'm just waiting on the location. So, to play the IF game of logic:
IF the MRI is clear, THEN I will (probably) make it back to Panama and stay there til August.
IF the MRI is not clear, I may be prescribed another period of rest, and THEN (possibly) make it back to Panama til August.
IF the MRI is not clear, they may tell me I can't go back as a Volunteer, and THEN I will go back to hang out, but (probably) not til August. And this is the questions I haven't let myself dwell on: how would I squander my meager readjustment allowance for 6 months? Would I seek temporary employment? Volunteer? Road trip the US? Travel South America? Buy that "cheap" ticket to New Zealand? I can't stop gazing at the Deals section of Travelocity.com.
The travel bug's back, along with the maddening Itch to just take off...
In Starbucks the other day, amidst the tacky Valentines junk, lay a book called, "The Traveler." Intrigued, I picked it up. Meanwhile, they brewed my exorbitant "Apple Chai" that I'm convinced is nothing but apple cider, cracked out with extra sugar and nutmeg. I only ordered it because the coffee leaves me feeling cracked out, but the "tea" was only marginally less crack-y. Anyway, "The Traveler" was written like a children's story with cute, simple pictures and a few lines on each page. The plot: a boy has a wonderful life, but one day he gets the Itch, packs a suitcase, an embarks on a trip around the world to find his "place" . Moral of the story: he spends his whole life wandering until he's old and realizes the place he's been seeking is back home. Ok, so kinda cute and cheesy, and considering its place amongst Valentine objects, I could stretch to say a thinly disguised attempt at getting a loved one to settle down (just can't quiet the cynic within)... although I have to admit it stuck a chord. There is no place like home.
But, to continue the cliches, if home is where the heart is, then I'm a bloody mess, because half of my heart is back in Panama, trying to live the life I set up for myself there for over two years: with my friends, my host family, my neighbors, my job and my cats. Which is why I know I'll return, relatively soon, one way or another.
But, in the meantime, I'm positively itching...
I think writing my silly resolutions down may have invited the demons. So far, 2009 has tested my ability to remain positive. I have always been an optimist in the sense that I hope for the best, and generally tend to think that things will work out. Others may see this as an unrealistic lack of foresight, but "optimist" is so much more positive.
For example, in the following scenario, I was fairly convinced, until the last minute, that things would work out (aka I'd get to stay in Panama):
Less than an hour after a hip MRI on January 16th, my doctor called me. I was actually driving home from the appointment when he called. Impressive. Turns out I have a 11 mm stress fracture in the neck of my femur. It's probably been there since the marathon I ran last August (or before, who knows), but really doesn't hurt much at all any more...really. Doctor's orders were: calcium supplements and rest. Basically, "Cuidate!" (He does speak Spanish, but didn't say that, exactly).
So I think, "Cool, I haven't been imagining the pain, and now I can deal." My experience with Panamanian doctors often leaves me feeling literally crazy. A couple years ago I had similar hip pain, and the orthopedist in Panama prescribed me antidepressants. Hip pain = depression?? Back to being positive...
So, dealing the way I know to deal, I flew back to Panama January 19th, arrived in the office the next morning, found out I wasn't medically cleared (the doctor wasn't so positive when he talked to the medical staff) and after busing it across the country to spend a harried day or so in my house, arranging pieces that someone would have to pick up (Thanks Lydia, Allie and Robby), I grabbed the 7-hour night bus back to Panama City, filled out some papers, and was back in my parent's house by January 28th. And breathe...
Even though I'm not sure when I'll be able to go back to Panama, here are the positives:
1. Even though the last trip to Panama was brief, I got to hang out with my good friend Adam on his way back from his South American adventure, and arrange things to prepare for my absence. Technically, I shouldn't have gone back, but this I had subconsciously blocked from my awareness.
2. I added the trip to my Delta SkyMiles account, even though I didn't have to pay for it (it's legal!).
3. Being at home, I have more time to catch up with friends and family. There are some activities that are so refreshingly, wonderfully normal:
-I watched the Superbowl, ate buffalo wings (Thanks, Marina and Herberth!), and actually cared about the game enough to jump up and down screaming a couple of times, even though the Cardinals lost...good game!
-I went to the Zoo with Michelle and saw penguins (and other things...)! The orangutan baby kissed the glass.
-I've cooked, in an OVEN! with ORGANIC INGREDIENTS!
-The bookstores and coffee shops of America are now feeling less economically starved since I've returned from Panama.
-I get to spend a week with Roxy in Utah!
After the next MRI on Feb 20th I'll know more about a possible return to work in Panama. Right now, I'm getting a taste of unemployment, so I can better relate to the rest of America. Even so, knowing that I may have extended free time in my near future makes me restless. Grad school is pretty much set for the fall, I'm just waiting on the location. So, to play the IF game of logic:
IF the MRI is clear, THEN I will (probably) make it back to Panama and stay there til August.
IF the MRI is not clear, I may be prescribed another period of rest, and THEN (possibly) make it back to Panama til August.
IF the MRI is not clear, they may tell me I can't go back as a Volunteer, and THEN I will go back to hang out, but (probably) not til August. And this is the questions I haven't let myself dwell on: how would I squander my meager readjustment allowance for 6 months? Would I seek temporary employment? Volunteer? Road trip the US? Travel South America? Buy that "cheap" ticket to New Zealand? I can't stop gazing at the Deals section of Travelocity.com.
The travel bug's back, along with the maddening Itch to just take off...
In Starbucks the other day, amidst the tacky Valentines junk, lay a book called, "The Traveler." Intrigued, I picked it up. Meanwhile, they brewed my exorbitant "Apple Chai" that I'm convinced is nothing but apple cider, cracked out with extra sugar and nutmeg. I only ordered it because the coffee leaves me feeling cracked out, but the "tea" was only marginally less crack-y. Anyway, "The Traveler" was written like a children's story with cute, simple pictures and a few lines on each page. The plot: a boy has a wonderful life, but one day he gets the Itch, packs a suitcase, an embarks on a trip around the world to find his "place" . Moral of the story: he spends his whole life wandering until he's old and realizes the place he's been seeking is back home. Ok, so kinda cute and cheesy, and considering its place amongst Valentine objects, I could stretch to say a thinly disguised attempt at getting a loved one to settle down (just can't quiet the cynic within)... although I have to admit it stuck a chord. There is no place like home.
But, to continue the cliches, if home is where the heart is, then I'm a bloody mess, because half of my heart is back in Panama, trying to live the life I set up for myself there for over two years: with my friends, my host family, my neighbors, my job and my cats. Which is why I know I'll return, relatively soon, one way or another.
But, in the meantime, I'm positively itching...
Thursday, January 15, 2009
The Best of 2008 - Change in 2009
Happy New Year! Thanks to everyone who encouraged me to keep writing. "Change" seems to be the word of the year already; with a new presidency and a crisis to face, change seem less scary and more necessary. Change can be exciting, and I'm looking forward to facing another year of personal transitions. In order to move forward, I'm going to give 2008 the credit it's due, then move on, using some resolutions as a guide.
2008 Highlights
1. Summiting Volcan Baru, the highest point in Panama, on January 1st, 2008 (Summit, Volcan Baru)!
Happy New Year! Thanks to everyone who encouraged me to keep writing. "Change" seems to be the word of the year already; with a new presidency and a crisis to face, change seem less scary and more necessary. Change can be exciting, and I'm looking forward to facing another year of personal transitions. In order to move forward, I'm going to give 2008 the credit it's due, then move on, using some resolutions as a guide.
2008 Highlights
1. Summiting Volcan Baru, the highest point in Panama, on January 1st, 2008 (Summit, Volcan Baru)!
2. In February, enjoying the "summer"; taking trips to Punta Burica and Las Islas Paridas (Isla Gamez, Paridas, and me at Punta Burica).
3. Celebrating La Semana Santa in my site (My "abuela", Ida, making bollos asados!!!)
4. Roxy's wedding and my visit to the States (beautiful Roxy and Stew in West Orange, NJ)!
5. Hanging out with the new Volunteers during cultural week in Palmira Abajo (Learning about local plant life during a "garden" tour)!
6. The first annual Chiriqui Panama Verde camp, Alto Boquete.
7. Helping translate at Arisia's eye clinic in Santa Fe, Veraguas (Brianna, Holly and I).
8. Group 57 COS fiestas: the party bus.
9. Running the marathon in Panama City (Adelier, Marcial and I).
10. Visiting almost all the Chiriqui Volunteers, and helping Kalli build her mud house (men mixing the mud, Bajo Solis)
11. And finally, coming back home to enjoy the holidays with my family! (Christmas dinner) \
Obviously, 2008 was a great year. I look forward to more adventures in Panama in 2009, and embarking on a new adventure in a grad school somewhere in the US of A in August. Location: TBA. I've loved getting intimate with the country of Panama, and I'm excited to build on the knowledge and experience I've gained during Peace Corps during grad school. Hopefully, I will be studying business and the environment at one of the five schools I've applied to (could be CA, CT or MI).
As I move forward with 2009, writing in this blog will help me to accomplish one of my resolutions:
1. Be communicative
1.1 Answer emails as soon as they are received
1.2 Make more phone calls
1.3 Write: blogs, letters, emails, etc.
2. Be positive
2.1 Learn from mistakes, move on
2.2 Dwell on the positives
3. Explore, with an open mind, as much as possible!
By writing these resolutions, I'll now have to be accountable for them! I wish everyone the best this coming year, and look forward to catching up with your journeys.
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