I'm trying to wrap my head around the term "re-adjustment", the process I'm supposedly going through by being present in the United States of America. Getting used to living in the States is an adjustment, but is it a re-adjustment? I never really had to get "adjusted" to living here the first time around, unless you call the birth process an adjustment, which I guess it is, considering it's moving from one distinct environment to another.

Coming back, I was prepared for the worst, hearing lots of horror stories about how much worse it is to come back to the States after being away for 2+ years, but so far it hasn't been terrible (besides the initial shock at having to come back, unplanned). Perhaps I'm not stressing out because there's little pressure to actually establish a life here, since I may be going back to Panama for a few more months. My life is on hold, and I don't really have to move forward. However, after a month of vacation, and another month "resting", I want move on, which brings me to the brink of the scary re-adjustment thing.

As I ponder my state of affairs, I find myself reflecting on a question that was part of my motivation for joining the Peace Corps in the first place: What kind of lifestyle do I want for myself? Everyone deals with this question, but most people define their lifestyle by making day-to-day choices, and the lifestyle forms over time until suddenly, "BAM!" you find yourself married with babies in suburbia. Which is great, if that's what you want.

I have to admit, it's great having the chance to start from scratch, the whole world ahead of me, with the freedom and ability to shape my lifestlye according to my values and make choices accordingly. I think if I had lived a 100+ years ago, I would have been a pioneer, excited by the chance to explore the unknown, wander the flat plains, point to a mountain in the distance and declare, "vamos por alla!" Well, maybe I wouldn't have been speaking Spanish, but that's the scene that popped into my head.

I've always been curious about how other people live, especially people with less, because although I love the hot showers and instant gratification that American consumerism supplies, I've always felt weighed down by the responsibility of possessions, and I figure if people can survive with much, much less, then why can't I? So know that I've tried the experiment, somewhat successfully, abroad, am I ready to pursue an "alternative" lifestyle here in the States, or am I going to take off to some foreign land again? Both options are romantically alluring, but the realities of each can be difficult. Am I destined for suburbia?

Well, I am temporarily living in suburbia now, and going slightly insane. I do have to admit I like the concept of this condo-apt place called "City Walk". The idea is to have shops downstairs you can walk to so as not to have to drive everywhere. Great idea. The reality is the shops downstairs are mostlly specialty stores (i.e. a bridal shop and kid's toy boutique). At least there is a coffee shop, which helps maintain a shred of my sanity. I would consider opening an organic co-op nearby, except the rest of the town is stripmall-landia, everyone has to work full time to afford the apartments in the first place and no one actually walks around City Walk. I may have seen someone drive from the parking garage to the restaurant across the street.

Back to my ideal lifestlye, I suppose it is a dream engendered of unemployed singlehood to imagine that I can just find the ideal place and make it work out. I just hope once I land somewhere again, there will be choices available for me to form the my life around the place, like public transportation, a nice little grocery store with good organic food, a library and coffee shop. These are my locale priorities, some of which I've had to live without for years...and I've survived...and even adjusted!

Positively Itching

I think writing my silly resolutions down may have invited the demons. So far, 2009 has tested my ability to remain positive. I have always been an optimist in the sense that I hope for the best, and generally tend to think that things will work out. Others may see this as an unrealistic lack of foresight, but "optimist" is so much more positive.

For example, in the following scenario, I was fairly convinced, until the last minute, that things would work out (aka I'd get to stay in Panama):

Less than an hour after a hip MRI on January 16th, my doctor called me. I was actually driving home from the appointment when he called. Impressive. Turns out I have a 11 mm stress fracture in the neck of my femur. It's probably been there since the marathon I ran last August (or before, who knows), but really doesn't hurt much at all any more...really. Doctor's orders were: calcium supplements and rest. Basically, "Cuidate!" (He does speak Spanish, but didn't say that, exactly).

So I think, "Cool, I haven't been imagining the pain, and now I can deal." My experience with Panamanian doctors often leaves me feeling literally crazy. A couple years ago I had similar hip pain, and the orthopedist in Panama prescribed me antidepressants. Hip pain = depression?? Back to being positive...

So, dealing the way I know to deal, I flew back to Panama January 19th, arrived in the office the next morning, found out I wasn't medically cleared (the doctor wasn't so positive when he talked to the medical staff) and after busing it across the country to spend a harried day or so in my house, arranging pieces that someone would have to pick up (Thanks Lydia, Allie and Robby), I grabbed the 7-hour night bus back to Panama City, filled out some papers, and was back in my parent's house by January 28th. And breathe...

Even though I'm not sure when I'll be able to go back to Panama, here are the positives:

1. Even though the last trip to Panama was brief, I got to hang out with my good friend Adam on his way back from his South American adventure, and arrange things to prepare for my absence. Technically, I shouldn't have gone back, but this I had subconsciously blocked from my awareness.

2. I added the trip to my Delta SkyMiles account, even though I didn't have to pay for it (it's legal!).

3. Being at home, I have more time to catch up with friends and family. There are some activities that are so refreshingly, wonderfully normal:
-I watched the Superbowl, ate buffalo wings (Thanks, Marina and Herberth!), and actually cared about the game enough to jump up and down screaming a couple of times, even though the Cardinals lost...good game!
-I went to the Zoo with Michelle and saw penguins (and other things...)! The orangutan baby kissed the glass.
-I've cooked, in an OVEN! with ORGANIC INGREDIENTS!
-The bookstores and coffee shops of America are now feeling less economically starved since I've returned from Panama.
-I get to spend a week with Roxy in Utah!

After the next MRI on Feb 20th I'll know more about a possible return to work in Panama. Right now, I'm getting a taste of unemployment, so I can better relate to the rest of America. Even so, knowing that I may have extended free time in my near future makes me restless. Grad school is pretty much set for the fall, I'm just waiting on the location. So, to play the IF game of logic:

IF the MRI is clear, THEN I will (probably) make it back to Panama and stay there til August.

IF the MRI is not clear, I may be prescribed another period of rest, and THEN (possibly) make it back to Panama til August.

IF the MRI is not clear, they may tell me I can't go back as a Volunteer, and THEN I will go back to hang out, but (probably) not til August. And this is the questions I haven't let myself dwell on: how would I squander my meager readjustment allowance for 6 months? Would I seek temporary employment? Volunteer? Road trip the US? Travel South America? Buy that "cheap" ticket to New Zealand? I can't stop gazing at the Deals section of Travelocity.com.

The travel bug's back, along with the maddening Itch to just take off...

In Starbucks the other day, amidst the tacky Valentines junk, lay a book called, "The Traveler." Intrigued, I picked it up. Meanwhile, they brewed my exorbitant "Apple Chai" that I'm convinced is nothing but apple cider, cracked out with extra sugar and nutmeg. I only ordered it because the coffee leaves me feeling cracked out, but the "tea" was only marginally less crack-y. Anyway, "The Traveler" was written like a children's story with cute, simple pictures and a few lines on each page. The plot: a boy has a wonderful life, but one day he gets the Itch, packs a suitcase, an embarks on a trip around the world to find his "place" . Moral of the story: he spends his whole life wandering until he's old and realizes the place he's been seeking is back home. Ok, so kinda cute and cheesy, and considering its place amongst Valentine objects, I could stretch to say a thinly disguised attempt at getting a loved one to settle down (just can't quiet the cynic within)... although I have to admit it stuck a chord. There is no place like home.

But, to continue the cliches, if home is where the heart is, then I'm a bloody mess, because half of my heart is back in Panama, trying to live the life I set up for myself there for over two years: with my friends, my host family, my neighbors, my job and my cats. Which is why I know I'll return, relatively soon, one way or another.

But, in the meantime, I'm positively itching...

The Best of 2008 - Change in 2009

Happy New Year! Thanks to everyone who encouraged me to keep writing. "Change" seems to be the word of the year already; with a new presidency and a crisis to face, change seem less scary and more necessary. Change can be exciting, and I'm looking forward to facing another year of personal transitions. In order to move forward, I'm going to give 2008 the credit it's due, then move on, using some resolutions as a guide.

2008 Highlights

1. Summiting Volcan Baru, the highest point in Panama, on January 1st, 2008 (Summit, Volcan Baru)!

2. In February, enjoying the "summer"; taking trips to Punta Burica and Las Islas Paridas (Isla Gamez, Paridas, and me at Punta Burica).

3. Celebrating La Semana Santa in my site (My "abuela", Ida, making bollos asados!!!)

4. Roxy's wedding and my visit to the States (beautiful Roxy and Stew in West Orange, NJ)!

5. Hanging out with the new Volunteers during cultural week in Palmira Abajo (Learning about local plant life during a "garden" tour)!

6. The first annual Chiriqui Panama Verde camp, Alto Boquete.

7. Helping translate at Arisia's eye clinic in Santa Fe, Veraguas (Brianna, Holly and I).

8. Group 57 COS fiestas: the party bus.

9. Running the marathon in Panama City (Adelier, Marcial and I).

10. Visiting almost all the Chiriqui Volunteers, and helping Kalli build her mud house (men mixing the mud, Bajo Solis)

11. And finally, coming back home to enjoy the holidays with my family! (Christmas dinner) \

Obviously, 2008 was a great year. I look forward to more adventures in Panama in 2009, and embarking on a new adventure in a grad school somewhere in the US of A in August. Location: TBA. I've loved getting intimate with the country of Panama, and I'm excited to build on the knowledge and experience I've gained during Peace Corps during grad school. Hopefully, I will be studying business and the environment at one of the five schools I've applied to (could be CA, CT or MI).

As I move forward with 2009, writing in this blog will help me to accomplish one of my resolutions:

1. Be communicative
1.1 Answer emails as soon as they are received
1.2 Make more phone calls
1.3 Write: blogs, letters, emails, etc.

2. Be positive
2.1 Learn from mistakes, move on
2.2 Dwell on the positives

3. Explore, with an open mind, as much as possible!

By writing these resolutions, I'll now have to be accountable for them! I wish everyone the best this coming year, and look forward to catching up with your journeys.

In the past few weeks, my life has changed from basking in the tranquility of my little house in the country to tackling a set of hurdles on the way to fulfilling a new role.  The first jump was moving from my site, pop 400 to Chiriquí's capital, David, pop 100,000.  During the first couple of days in my new "city" apartment, we hosted 14+ people over the course of two nights.  Life has settled down a bit since then, and I enjoy the occasional visitor.

Training for the role of Regional Leader of Chiriquí has been fun, since I have a month of overlap with the current RL, Liz.  Thus, we share a house and job responsibilities for awhile during a time of adjustment for us both.  This month I've visited several agencies in town, traveled to see four out of seven of the new volunteers in the province, and done a little more paperwork than I'm used to doing.

Finally, I'm proud to say that I finished my first marathon last Sunday!  Looking at the results, I'm happy to have finished 14th in the female division, with a time of 4:11:32.  It was a fun race, and a nice cloudy morning, although raining for the last few miles!  The first day of recovery was rough, but today I can say I'd do another in the future!  I heard a rumor they give prize money to the top 12 finishers in each division, so I have a goal to shoot for next year!  Thanks to all those who were supportive.

Next on the list is tackling the grad school entrance exam and applications, along with a solid waste/recycling project in towen and other RL duties.  It should be a busy few months.  I'm looking forward to a month vacation to the States over Christmas.  In the meantime, in Panama there remains a new adventure to be tackled daily.  Saludos!

Today I walked into a bookstore and felt deeply apprehensive.  The anxiety brewed; a mix of espresso and the overwhelming amount of knowledge around me.  Realizing my state of relative poverty, I questioned my recent choices, contrasting my lifestyle to that being pawned by the bookstore.

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At times, cultural idiosyncrasies I learned to appreciate while living in the campo reinvent themselves as sources of anxiety.  For example, in the campo, waiting for two hours for transportation is acceptable.  Few transportation options exist, so arriving late is normal.  On the contrary, in Panama City, waiting a devastating two hours inside a taxi (in a rainstorm with the window open for visibility) going to a dentist appointment is unacceptable. Especially when I must spend my day’s salary on the fare.  Then, arriving to the dentist’s office late, I find the dentist has gone home.  Instead of returning to Chiriquí, I must spend another day waiting for an appointment. The waiting leads me to the bookstore, where I spend exorbitant amounts of money on coffee and gaze at pretty things I can’t afford.

  A deeper anxiety underlies my decision to stay in Panama another year.  Being in the bookstore unearths stresses emerging from being broke and intellectually starved.  Lately, interminable tasks eat away at time usually spent on reading interesting books.  During days spent speaking in Spanish out in the countryside, and nights spent alone, intellectual conversations are rare. I miss parts of the lifestyle in the US: coffee shops, bookstores, hot showers and other luxuries that the average American enjoys daily.  More than these simple luxuries, however, I miss events like those advertised on the posters in front of me: jazz concerts, charity events, photography contests, yoga classes and lectures led by people with lots of letters after their names. These things exist in Panama City to a degree, but I don’t have the time or money to enjoy them during my infrequent visits to the City.  My insatiable thirst for caffeinated beverages is only a symptom of my craving for intellectual life.

  The bookstore with its enticing books about sustainable architecture, novels by Isabelle Allende and Paulo Cuelho, world atlases and travel guides, does not sadden me.  On the contrary, I wish I could stay here, page through the books and sip coffee interminably.  I feel apprehensive because soon I will return to my solitary life in Chiriquí, where I may be thoughtlessly busy for over a year.  I worry the time spent and personal sacrifices made may not be worth the outcome.  The deep roots of this apprehensiveness flag the need stop and ponder my decisions.  What better place to think than over a cappuccino at a bookstore?

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Written for the Bajareque Times:

“Como estas?” “Bien!”  “COMO ESTAS?” “BIEN!”

The shouts of forty adolescents resounded throughout Alto Boquete May 29th through June 1^st as the first annual Panama Verde Regional camp in Chiriquí was underway.  The Panama Verde Association, in cooperation with several Peace Corps Volunteers, led the camp, “Leaving Tracks,” held at the Franciscan Center in Alto Boquete.  Forty young adults arrived to Boquete from five rural and semi-rural communities in Chiriquí, including Los Pocitos, Alanje, Piedra de Candela, Paja de Sombrero and Bajo Chiriquí.  It was the first trip to Boquete for many of the participants.  “One of the kids in my group hadn’t left the community [Bajo Chiriquí] for five years until I brought him to this camp,” said the Peace Corps Volunteer from Bajo Chiriquí, a community near the Costa Rican Border.  Many young adults in Panama cannot afford to travel even short distances to experience other parts of their country.  The camp, sponsored by the Panama Verde Association, The Rotary Club of Boquete, Café Eleta and Café Almir, gave the young adults a chance to visit a beautiful part of the country, meet other youth from around the province, and participate in educational lectures and community service projects.

 The Panama Verde Association is run by a dynamic, youthful set of staff and volunteers who focus on youth leadership, social stewardship and environmental conservation.  The Association began twelve years ago, when a Peace Corps Volunteers started a youth group in a rural community in Panama.  Since then, the Association has expanded to over 30 youth groups spread throughout the country.  It is currently the only organization in Panama to focus exclusively on helping young adults develop crucial skills such as leadership and political activism that will allow them to become the future leaders of Panama, and have the environmental conscience to help protect Panama’s fragile environment. 

 Besides having fun, the primary objectives of the camp, “Leaving Tracks”, were to strengthen the network of Panama Verde groups in the province, to participate in community service activities in Boquete and to develop projects to carry out in the respective communities of each group.  These objectives were met with the help of local interest groups, including ReaL Boquete, who gave a presentation about the importance of recycling, and ANAM, who educated the participants about reforestation.  The youth performed community service work in the ANAM tree nursery, clearing the area for future planting.  Other activities included a debate about the environmental impacts of hydroelectric projects, the development of community projects and group problem solving games.  The first annual Panama Verde Regional camp was a success, and we now have a strong network within the Chiriquí province to guarantee more events in the future! 

Upon arrival to my house here in Los Pocitos, I was relieved to find the 40-ft tall mango tree in the backyard still heavy-laden with its luscious fruits.  In fact, the mango season had just begun, and the tree had so many softball-sized mangos that I was afraid that this year one might actually make it through the zinc roof during its descent.  Only a 15-ft bamboo pole can reach the lowermost branches, so instead of knocking them down, I wait to hear, and feel, the “BOOM”: the impact of a ripe mango on the dusty earth.  I rush out to seek out the freshly fallen mango amongst the graveyard of the Fallen, which are already being consumed by the bees and ants.  Breakfast is batido de mango con leche.

Tonight marks the first rain in several weeks.  It is hopefully the beginning of a delayed and long-awaited rainy season.  The past couple of days, thunder clouds rumbled by, but produced nothing but noise here on the coast.  This afternoon, I felt the first cool breeze in ages before I noticed the tiny puffs of dust that were lifted up by the first raindrops.  Then, the pitter-patter of water on the zinc became noticeable over the sound of the strong breeze that rattled the roof.  I felt the dense air of the heat and humidity be lifted from my shoulders as the breeze lifted it away and the rain pounded it to the ground.

 In addition to the mangos and the rain, today is even more exciting because the first soursop fruit from the tree in my backyard matured and was captured successfully before it could fall to the ground into a sad heap of its own delicious juices, a fate to which the first few fruits succumbed.  Soursop is my favorite fruit for several reasons:

1. The white, slippery fruit inside is very sweet, creamy and delicious, having some semblance to ice cream, but a bit slimier.
2. Soursop grow large, sometimes bigger than a basketball (today’s was more of a medicine-ball variety),
3. The fruit has an awkward shape, not being completely round, but more soft and lumpy looking, green, and with dull, soft, short spines spaced out intermittently all over the surface of the peel.  It looks like something out of a Dr. Suess book.

Soursop is a tropical fruit, and the first time I tried it was in Australia during a tour of an organic fruit farm.  The farmer was an aging hippie type who lived a subsistence life on his tropical fruit farm, on which he grew tropical fruits from around the world.  The tour was impressive to me, first because I discovered the wonderful soursop fruit, among others, but more so because I was immensely intrigued by the simple lifestyle of the fruit farmer and his wife. 

Continuing on with the fruit discussion, another tropical fruit obsession of mine are the lychee and rambutan fruits.  Here they are called mamones.  There are momones and momon chinos.  As far as I can decipher, the momones are the equivalent of the English word, “lychee” and mamon chinos are like rambutans.  The momon chinos are the juicier, better variety for the following reasons:

1. Mamon chinos are absolutely covered with long, soft spines, green when unripe, which turn yellow, then deep red as they ripen. 
2. They are fun to eat.  You pop open the fairly tough spiny outside, and get squirted by juice unless you know the technique.  Inside there is a slimy, perfectly round seed covered in a thin layer of sweet, transparent fruit, resembling an eyeball in size and texture.  Suck the fruit off the seed.  Spit out seed.  Fun.
3. Regular mamones are stringier and less juicy, leaving your mouth feeling slightly dry.  Mamon chinos are irresistibly juicy and grow in large bunches, making them easy to obtain in large quantities. When I was home in the States, I discovered Lychee juice, sold in a huge Asain wholesale supermarket.  Score.  Further investigation unearthed loads of lychee and rambutan products available in the US of A, a very untropical place for various reasons that I will not describe at the moment.  Other products include lychee flavored gummy candy, also obtained at the Asian warehouse in St. Paul, and freeze-dried rambutans, available at Trader Joe’s.  The cashier at the Asian warehouse promised an import of fresh lychees at some point during the growing season (around August, I imagine), but I doubt the quality of these fragile imports to non-tropical areas. 

The fruit of the tropics is one of the many incentives to stick around Panama for one more year…